Talking Therapy

Wednesday, 3 June 2015



"Why can't you write about something positive?" My friends and family have jovially thrown from one occasion to another upon reading another "Oh god, my life is filled with so much grief." article that I've stashed and later posted.

I think about it often, querying what it is that seems to make my literary intentions jut out so morbidly from my other internet professed pals- those who deliver exciting travels and clean eats, the ones that epitomise earth shattering hope and frivolity from a single instagram caption.
In all of its glorious irony, I would love nothing more than to explore why it in yet another heartache dribbled essay for all of your eyes to see but tonight I have decided against my own creative will and thrown a curveball at my judgement to write these few lines instead.

I, like you, am a perpetually lost individual giggling and whimpering my way through a crisscross path of adolescence and unsurprisingly it is pretty fucking difficult, so do it unapologetically.
It is beautiful in its romanticised nature but as a topic to examine, it would make an ultimately dull, smug and useless piece of documentary to share if it simply highlighted the manic insomnia of getting off with Z list sons of actors and receiving the odd hefty paycheque from a Z list singers record label.
"Today I got a new job and I'm on top of the world!"
"I slept with a ten last night!"
- Are the lines for my diary. The bits I have to read occasionally to remember it's not all empty medication packets and missed trains and unpaid invoices.
I didn't know how important those parts were to share.
I never realised how much impact and responsibility I'd have to take on by posting my inner most dark corners of my brain online, as naive and as idiotic as that sounds, I just wanted to help.
I thought by stripping my psyche naked I might help some other girl from across the pond on the brink of a break down call a doctor or put down the scissors and know she wasn't alone.

The truth is, it has also opened up a different pocket of the internet that whilst I had always dreamed of finding, was suddenly being forwarded to me.
Every week for the last eighteen months I have received harrowing tales from young people.
Stories that correlate almost impossibly with my own and ones much worse. 
It has in many ways opened my eyes up to the prospect that I'm not the most hurt, unhappy individual to walk the planet post Morrissey from The Smiths which has been hugely helpful in an incredibly selfish light, but it's also forced me to realise how serious and important it is that we keep this topic open and up for forum.

I honestly am not the right person to plea to, whilst I am slowly trudging along a path to what hopefully has sanity signposted nearby in a few years to come I am irrefutably not there. 
I'm still in the middle of the road with my thumb out praying for a lift.

There are however people who are.
Doctors, despite their schoolmaster authoritative demeanour can variably be tiny fluffy sparkly rainbow filled angels that have landed in your gaudy 1960's GP office to shed some light on why things will get better. 
Friends, despite their own issues and hang ups are even more important - whether you've met them online or happened to fail the same maths test together. 
Reading up and understanding your feelings and condition, despite a little daunting, will also help you understand why you are doing what you are and why you're crying in the shower even though there feels like no resolute reasoning. 
You are not defined by these moments of desperation, you are defined by how you come through them, and you can. - This is coming from someone who three days ago sat on her kitchen floor and thought 'don't fancy this anymore' at life, I'm still not all the keen but my god do I realise how glad I am that I want to give it another try.

I write this now feeling hugely overwhelmed, like I found some broken twigs in my brain and set them into an all encompassing fire on a desert island which people mistook for me sending out a 'LET'S ALL HAVE A PARTY OVER HERE!' flare.
I don't have many answers, but have learnt more so than I knew possible in the last few days that talking to people you know is the most important first step into any kind of physical recovery. 

Now get off here, go and call your mum.
Or your best friend.
Or your doctor.
Or your old boss who seemed a bit mad when you worked for him.
They really, truly can help you make sure you get back to being you again. 


Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90

Crisis line - 775-784-8090






23 comments:

  1. I actually really needed this right now. Thank you so much Charly! You're amazing and so so talented. Love you lots and hope to meet you one day!

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  3. I have never doubted the importance of your posts and I'm so glad that you're aware that you've helped so many people. Keep it up and much love, Charles! ❤️ Also, nice choice of a picture to represent this post. haha

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  4. What I love about your blog Charly, is that you write about some dark feelings, but always with a black humour. And humour is so important. It can get you through near enough anything. I love your blog, don't you ever stop.
    Rebecca | The Two Twenty Somethings
    Xx

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  5. You're a bit of alright aren't you. Your blog shouldn't be all happy and shinny and glossy, it's a breathe of fresh air because let's be honest so many blogs are the same. Yours is honest, your inner monologue that you wish to share and have come to realise it may help other people feel a bit less lonely. I'm on of those people. You're not someone who has 'got through to the other side' so to speak as demonstrated with 'this is coming from someone who three days ago sat on her kitchen floor and thought 'don't fancy this anymore' at life' but you're still giving life a crack and it is fucking hard sometimes. Your honesty and genuineness of this blog is beautiful and I hope it doesn't get too cheery all of the time, unless you are, then it would be great to see that grown.
    - From Teela, the girl from the Jeremy Loops gig, I couldn't explain then what this blog meant to me but I gave it my best shot while tipsy and kinda singing. Thank you.x

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  6. I have found that my adolescence is an unceasing cycle of utter insanity. No shame though. Your blog makes me feel less shit about myself. Especially since my other peers claim to be living perfect lives. When I slip up I hate myself for it, but honest and real people like you remind me that nobody is perfect. Life is messy and that is beautiful. So thank you sweet, beautiful Charly for sharing reality - not artificial feelings and flashy experiences. Sending love from the U.S.A xoxox

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  7. Thank you Charly. I really appreciate the content you post on this blog :)

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  8. Everyone's youth has a touch of insanity in it, some more than others. Mine has been blessed with enough to last my lifetime, which I have found to be unfortunate and often humbling. You, Charly have given me the ability to see that despite this circumstance, I could one day be a talented writer, elegant young woman and a loving friend as you are. I will never be able to repay you for this gift, but thank you... wishing you the best from "across the pond" xoxo

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  10. As always you blow me away with your words lady. I love how you speak the truth from the heart <3
    Moremomentsofgold.blogspot.co.uk

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  11. Don't ever change what you want to write about to please others, your blog is honest, and that is a beautiful thing.

    Charlotte xx
    Smudgeness

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  12. I love your blog because it's so raw and honest... it's so important to talk about issues like this: and the way you write is so beautiful. You really have helped a lot of people, including myself to feel a little more sane. Thank you.

    all my love, Hira - http://www.theartofexisting.co.uk/ xx

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  13. Thank you for making me cry right now, thank you for inspiring me, thank you for struggling to find yourself and being so incredibly understanding. May your life be filled with joy and happiness, and may all the bad things pass you by! Lots of love from Ukraine <3

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  14. I really admire your honesty, Charly. A lot of people are struggling with issues like this and it's lovely of you to share your experience and want to help others.

    Erin

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