I am as much my own little girl as I am my own grown woman

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Bread bloated and Dalmatian skinned, with one hand I prod my thick fleshy thighs and reminisce back to the paradisal evenings where I could feed my exam pressures with two chicken mayo McDonald's burgers and still weigh no more than the six textbooks I should've been consuming instead. 

I scrape the societal camouflage I had hastily painted over my uneven cheeks with a foundation tinged flannel and watch each shade of orange and pink in their wet gradients pour down the sink. 

Raw faced and soot black under eyed, I pull grimaces at myself and pressure black heads with gnawed at finger nails. I am stressed. 

I try with determined will to change my habits almost upon the instant that I see this strange reflection. 
I still look young, no crows feet or strayed hairs, excess-oil waxing a pubescent sheen across the bridge of my nose- but you can nearly spot the indentations of a forty year old woman pressing to get out from within my tired glazed eyes, the youthful embers dimming. 
The fire now just a reflection of the passion in others, like two oval ashtrays upside down in the dishwasher. 

Spent.

A month goes past with rapid spirit, chasing my heels that pace with a lash of unconvincing energy and I realise that this forty year old woman, with her punishing office anxieties could be harnessed into someone much kinder.

Lassoed by my heart strings, I pull her close and teach her how to be my mother.
An internal guardian to remind me to brush my teeth, change my socks, finish my peas and to tell me-

You're doing alright kid, stop beating yourself up.

I hold my own hand and learn the importance of believing that you have a duty to not feel alone with yourself.
That I am as much my own little girl as I am my own grown woman and I soon feel fortified again. 

15 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, Charly. I absolutely love this. ❤️

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  2. Needed this today! You bloody talented woman x

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  3. Such wonderful writing that I can totally relate to!

    maireem.blogspot.com

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  4. loved reading this. amazingly written & I could really relate. thank you!
    Mara // marashares

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  5. This is so beautifully written, tugged at my heartstrings!
    Thank you x

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  6. Your writing is so honest. So beautifully raw. xx

    Mallory // shiftfreedom.blogspot.com

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  7. 'but you can nearly spot the indentations of a forty year old woman pressing to get out from within my tired glazed eyes' - I feel exactly like this sometimes too. Loved how you ended this post though. It really worked.
    Rebecca
    Xx

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  8. Absolute beautiful. I love it :) I already know I'm going to bookmark this so I can come back to it again...kind of reminds me of Sylvia Plath too

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  9. Bloody hell you can write. This is such a powerful and meaningful post. Sometimes we do need reminding that we're doing alright and I think the best person to do so is ourselves <3

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