A Relationship With Anxiety

Monday, 23 February 2015



Rushing my hand over old receipts and prickly house keys in my coat pocket, I clutch and curve my palms over an inhaler. 
Its shape, awkward and bulky, protrudes out of the cracks between each finger and whilst it's not yet uncapped in my mouth, its weight serves a soothing semantic objective. 
The monotonous daily drill of life had suddenly started to become terrifying. No seats on the tube? Panic stricken. Ten minutes late for a meeting? All consumed. 
Silly things, like getting a fork stuck in the dishwasher forced me crashing down on my knees and the bleak belligerent head of anxiety sucked all of the air from my lungs and demanded thousands of short breathed shut downs. 

I am on the stairs at a party and unanticipatedly I am drowning, deep sea flailing in the puddles under my eyes, clutching my heart like a life buoy that won't float me upwards but is instead rock weighted. I realise I must look nothing short of an overemotional prick off the back of no resolute reasoning or tangible slap to the face but still, a friend stays up with me until five in the morning telling his dark exchanges by way of making me feel normal and the hyperventilating subsides with the rise of a stronger emotional connection. 
It's frenetic unhallowed nature entangled in a warming trust exercise. 

As it robs me day by day of an extra hour asleep, the pangs burrow deeper and irritation grows thicker through the curved fleshy tubes in my body. I ache, I digress, I allow it to be and trudge through it a little more worn. My fingers starred with discomfort, pain shooting like confetti cannons from the base of each digit.

This is customary, a sequence I find sadist companionship in, it hurts with its volatile grasp but it is also laden with excuse cards as to why I'm not always top of my game. 
We've battled against each other for so long that I'm almost just as scared of being free as I am of the suffering it etches out.
It is only now, inhaler in hand, propranolol resting on my tongue and mantra echoing staccato in my head that I realise I don't need it. 

For so long it has shadowed each morning and taken the minutes in each meeting, a second head growing from my shoulder and speaking for me. Cutting the chords I am now desperately trying to set myself free and whilst it is testing in its unpredictable nature, I feel stronger than I ever knew. 

28 comments:

  1. Beautifully written as always, and so very relevant to me. As much as I hate anxiety I cannot imagine my life if I suddenly was free from it. It's been the one constant thing for as log as I can remember.
    Much love xx

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  2. This is so well written and perfectly described, Charly! I absolutely adore your writing. xx

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  3. Over the past few months I feel like I've really been losing myself to anxiety. I panic over the smallest things, being on the tube panics me because what if it crashes, the doors are barricaded shut etc etc. I panic over other people, over looking or sounding stupid to the point where I end up not saying anything and it upsets me because I feel like I used to be a really happy and confident person, and I don't know how to fight it. I literally feel out of touch with the world, so detached. It's nice - well not nice, but you get the drift; to see someone else being so honest about their experiences. I just wish I had someone who'd also be willing to stay up with me until five in the morning.

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  4. I could read your words all day! As a fellow anxiety sufferer I think you captured how it feels perfectly! x

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  5. Your english is so eloquent I would hire you to write my blog posts. If I blogged. :)X

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  6. This is so beautifully written. You are talented!! I always love reading something like this from a perspective I can relate to.

    Emma | ohflowerchild.blogspot.com

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  7. Wow, this struck a chord with me. Would never have been able to word it so perfectly. I hope you don't mind me sharing this - a lot of my friends don't seem to understand anxiety and why I act how I am a lot of the time. I feel this sums it up wonderfully. Your words are so soothing, even when discussing such stress-ridden subjects. xx

    Liv in Fashion

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  8. As usual, you've left me speechless. You're such an inspiration and such an incredible writer.

    willowtea.blogspot.co.uk

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  9. Charly, we are here for you no matter what. Please know that we love you and your amazing talents. Please ask for help if you need it, we are all a message away. We are all so proud that you are choosing to face your anxiety. We know how hard it is to face your own demons every day. Keep strong and together we can get through this beautiful <3

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  10. This is an amazing post, so well written, thank you for sharing!

    www.wewearsilver.blogspot.com

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  11. Beautifully moving words. I swear my Limbic brain is grown 2 fold over the last years, time to take control!

    www.beaucience.co.uk

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  12. How do you make your blog look so perfect?!?!?!

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  13. Anxiety is a bitch. But you and I and anyone struggling are stronger!
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