'There's no such thing as love, it's just fantasy'

Thursday, 1 January 2015

'There is no such thing as love, it's just fantasy.'
A nonchalant Zoe Deschanel echoed in my ear at a sticky floored Odeon cinema when I was fourteen.
I scribbled it in the back of my school planner thinking it important and as weeks went by it was replaced with initials of boys in the years above and kitsch tumblr pictures of love heart shaped fingers and silhouetted couples.

Shortly after this concept was instiled, a boy would hold my hand on Valentine's Day in that same theatre row that I contemplated the idea of love and a week or so later he'd call to break things off and I'd cry so hard it'd leave me with a nosebleed.
Six months pass and years to come follow and it's a similar routine, this time on a bench in Oaken Grove park and again over Facebook Messenger and again in a university dorm room and again in a car in Weybridge and again on a sofa in East London.
And again, and again until the 'you're a lovely girl, but-'s all transform into a monosyllabic noise that scream a now completely expected numbness through my fingers and lips.
I can recall every time I've convinced myself a drink with someone is the beginning of love and recite each memory I have of uttering 'I love you' under my breath somewhat delusional naked in somebodies bed.
This year I've scribbled love notes and turned up on people's doorsteps, desperate to consolidate in my head that I am the protagonist of my own shit romantic comedy, later to berate and beat myself up when things learn to be unreciprocated.
I am stunned to a freeze how crazed I must've seemed but it was always with such confused and kind intentions at heart that I twisted spontaneity for a naive idiocy.

Zoe Deschanel as Summer Finn had served me a resounding piece of advice that I chose to ignore throughout my heartbroken adolescence and it's only now, at 4:52am on New Year's Day, on a sofa I once balled my eyes out on silently, do I realise the weight of infectious honesty those words could've been.
Fourteen sucked just as much as sixteen did and as badly as nineteen ended up to be, being besotted with someone is often a chore we don't realise we're enduring until it comes to a bitter end and heartache swiftly takes over.
The last year has seen umpteen dates and four short emotional adventures and it exhausted me past a point of understanding why I was constantly traipsing my mind through a never ending labyrinth of relying relentlessly on the fantasy of love with the wrong people (but also wonderful and unsuspecting) instead of focussing wholeheartedly on the things that I love.

It is now that I can lay these shards of lustful nights and listless dinners and place each fragment into a solid understanding of what is actually important.
I don't want to be the dick that tells you to 'invest the love you want from others into yourself from you', but I am going to be that dick and you should.

Seldom do we give ourselves the opportunity to realise the person who ends up picking up the pieces and nourishing our wine stained mistakes is the one who will always love you the most.
Seldom do we give ourselves the opportunity to realise that that person is and will always be you.

27 comments:

  1. I resonate with this a shit load. X

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  2. Lovely and bittersweet. Ultimately positive. This reminds me of the exact reflections I've been having today.

    X Ellen

    www.ellenbourne.blogspot.com.au

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  3. I absolutely adore this piece! Your writing is excellent!

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  4. shitballs you can write. love it x

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  5. Aah, posts from you always brighten up my day -- no matter the content. Being 19 is pretty bittersweet, as you're not a teenager anymore yet not quite an adult either. I just try to take it all in stride. Can't wait to meet you one day, Charly :)

    www.ninoshkadsouza.blogspot.com

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  6. The words that I wrote in my journal that night were distinctly different, but also somewhat similar: "It's currently New Year's Eve. I'm sitting on the bed that never was my bed, in a room that was once my room. And I'm alone. I'd love for that not to be the case next year." This time of year certainly points toward the loftiness of being alone, and you're right, learning to be your best friend makes it possible to relish those moments.

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  7. Charly, you are a beautiful soul. Love you loads.

    : )

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  8. Amazingly written, beautiful. xx Sofie

    http://sealoffashionsofie.weebly.com/my-blog

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  9. (500) Days is such an epic movie, with so many important lessons. This is one of my favourites.

    I love how you've written this, and relate completely with the sentiment.

    Thank you for sharing

    Charlotte xx
    Charlotte's Web

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  10. Such a beautiful post that makes so much sense, I hope that this New Year holds wonderful things for us all :)

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  11. Sooooo beautiful, as always <3

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  12. Really love this post.

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  13. Somehow I am only stumbling upon your lovely blog now, but am so glad I did. I have fallen in love with your beautiful way with words and am simply in awe as I scroll through your posts! This post is the one that initially drew me in and brought me to literal tears, which is not an easy thing to do so well done! Looking forward to reading more from you! x

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  14. Came along your blog a few days ago. Absolutely love it! My favourite blog since.

    http://pixellifeonline.blogspot.nl/

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  15. I really don't know does this mean to you but you and Alexa Chung are my idols.. I'm reading your blog every single day in my life, maybe this sound like crazy fan who wants some attention but this is true.. xoxo


    sorry because of my english, it's not my official language :(

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  16. Love this gurrrrrrrl. And love you.

    http://daisyjarrett.blogspot.co.uk/

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  17. Your posts are always written so beautifully and thoughtfully. I love how honest you are towards people, I always come away from your blog posts feeling very inspired and refreshed.

    I hope things work out for you, and good luck!

    Lots of love, Hira | http://www.theartofexisting.co.uk/ xx

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  18. I love your writing. You're so inspiring. Loveya

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  19. This is beautifully written. I think love is important, whether it's your parents, or a hobby, or a TV show or another person. It's passion and that's good. Loving yourself is the hardest but most important. I'm working on it, and I guess everyone is in some ways. 'Love' itself isn't a fantasy, just certain concepts of it probably are. And Romantic Comedies are often the best fantasies.
    xxx
    http://eleanorcos.blogspot.com/

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  20. Oh Charly, I love your rambles about love. The times you´ve brought the thoughts in my hand to paper (actually a blank page in the internet) on point are countless. Why are we always waiting to for others to complete us? Can´t we fix and love us ourselves? It´s not someone else's right to judge over our well-being, besides that our value doesn´t decrease on someone´s disability to see our worth.
    Not sure if I´ll ever figure out how love works, but I guess I´ll have a lifetime to try.
    Have a lovely day,
    Marie x
    www.xwherewelivex.blogspot.com

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  21. 'Seldom do we give ourselves the opportunity to realise the person who ends up picking up the pieces and nourishing our wine stained mistakes is the one who will always love you the most.
    Seldom do we give ourselves the opportunity to realise that that person is and will always be you.'

    This should be written on stone, I read it when I needed it and I'm thankful for your words

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