Fourteen Pieces of Advice I Found Somewhere in 2014

Thursday, 18 December 2014


1. Don't do little cries. 
Feelings demand to be felt so give them the justice they deserve.
Pick a day, probably a Sunday because they're already depressing, grab a bottle of wine
and cry.
Full on cry. 
Cry until there's snot on your chin and more mascara on your knuckles than eyelashes.
Then call a friend and cry at them so you don't get the urge to post a pathetic tweet like
'I love crying NOT lol'.

2. Write love letters, but don't send them.
You are NOT Jane Austen.
Crack out your best penmanship on that flecked handmade
Peruvian paper you once bought hungover in Shoreditch and tell
someone you're madly in love with them and that they're great.
Just don't send it.
Adolescent men, (adolescence in guys tends to span until they're around thirty-fucking-years-old) already have enough on their plate; like being annoying and suddenly deciding they're not ready for a relationship.
So don't give them more fodder by kissing the back of an envelope and stalkerishly remembering their address from that drunken UBER one time. Trust me.

3. Don't opt for glass noodles in Itsu.
They're impossible to eat without it looking like you're vomiting small white worms back into your miso soup.
Udon noodles, are your friend.
You can put sincere trust in them and their nice thick.. girth?

4. Invest in a blanket scarf.
A really big Lenny Kravitz style bad boy.
One day, you might miss your last train and need to nap in the toilet cubicle of Paddington Station.
The blanket scarf will double as a pillow and duvet and you can later cocoon it around your face as you leave so no one knows who just fell asleep sat on the toilet.

5. Gay clubs are really, really great.
Never pay £25 entrance for a snobby, overpriced, white wash Mayfair club ever again.
Getting off with a girl will be less embarrassing and shameful than leaving with that prick Foxton's Estate Agent that you will undoubtedly end up fluttering your eyelashes at for a drink because you spent all of your money at the door getting in.
Or worse still, on the cloakroom. 

6. Write really shit poetry.
Rhyme 'I thought it was undying love' with 'until you shat on me like an un-peaceful dove'.
Taylor Swift started somewhere, you might actually remaster these one day.
Also, just really funny.

7. Don't pay attention to the time. 
You're 19 now, you can shove two fingers up at a bed time.
You're a woman.
Baths at 4am and cereal at 11pm are small but wonderful things.

8. Don't do shots of rum.
You see that idiot gracefully spluttering his entire stomach content into the gutter as his friends are getting in a cab home?
He did shots of rum.
Don't for any reason, shot rum.

9. Talk to strangers.
Not ones that look like Fagen from Oliver Twist or ones that might have a big empty van waiting for you, but the old lady on the tube or the haggard banker,
They know things you don't.

10. Scrap number 2.
Just don't actually even think about writing love letters.
Ever.

11. You don't have to apologise for anything you don't think is worth apologising for. 
You'll look like a bit of a dick, but a dick that actually means what their actions suggest.
And that's alright, I think.

12. Unfollow inspiring Instagrams. 
They're not inspiring.
They're just a collection of nice sounding vowels captioning an alright photo of a wood or something.
Inspire yourself by knowing you don't need someone to remind you to know,
'If it's not okay, it's not the end.'
You've got this.

13. Have sex in a really unconventional place.
You can still blame the stupidity of youth now and also there are few things better than playing 'never have I ever' and being able to beat fifteen people because you once got laid under the sound desk of a radio studio.
During a show.

14. Don't get poo anxiety. 
Everyone has to poo.
That's why everyone has a toilet in their house.
Just wait for their hot brother to make a cup of tea and go and enjoy yourself.

30 comments:

  1. Number 11 is where the seeds of boss bitches everywhere are planted. I love it. Fuck apologies.

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  2. As always your witty words of wisdom bring smile creases around my eyes and laughter through my nose. Continue doing what you do best (this fucking great blogging space) and living your life how you want it! You push mw to not give a fuck and love my life! xx

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  4. BLOODY LOVED THIS. Like I said on twitter, the talk to strangers point is definitely my fave. I'm pretty socially awkward when it comes to talking to new people in odd situations but often feel really fab when I strike up the courage to.
    sara x

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  5. Love this! Definitely going to keep numbers 1 and 11 in mind. No more downplaying my feelings in fear of seeming weak and no more apologizing for things that don't deserve apologies. xx 💪 Also, I love your blog and I love the way you express yourself. Keep it up! :)

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  6. I applaud you! I loved the post Charly! really funny, and witty... "Baths at 4am and cereal at 11pm are small but wonderful things." I couldn't agree more! x

    http://StyleChezMoi.com

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  7. This is sooo real and so hilarious, Charly you are perfection I will keep in mind #3 for future dates. And I think it's time for an Instagram cleanse ;) xx

    http://miuse.blogspot.com/

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  8. Charley this is truly excellent, thank you 😘

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  9. 6 and 14 are awesome, will really write them on my mind! It is nice to read this, witty and hilarious! As always, a wonderful post.
    Have a merry christmas! With love,
    Vera
    http://theflashwindow.weebly.com/

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  10. Thank you, number 8 is actually really good advice. and so are 9,10,11,12,13,14, and everything that came before :) but definitely keeping 8 and 11 in mind

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  11. you are wonderful, Charly
    we would be great friends

    dropofinkk.blogspot.com

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  12. I love this so so much Charly! I'm guilty of number 1 and well, quite a handful of these. Wine solves everything right? x
    TrudyJohanna

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  13. you should be a life-coach, tbh.

    Also, if you wouldn't mind checking out my blog, Charly? I'd really like to interview you via Skype if possible, perhaps I'll email you about that?

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  14. This is funnyyy, I love it! Your writing style is great. Can't wait to read more! I'd love it if you could check out my blog, it's: www.thehedonistavista.com - I'd really appreciate your feedback on my writing style/blog in general :D Enjoy!

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  15. Charly I feel like I need you on speed dial to feed me little nuggest of wisdom like these! So so great to read, and I love your latest youtube vid by the way! x

    www.totalmodisch.blogspot.co.uk

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  16. Oh I love how these are such unconventional, but yet real life pieces of advice.

    #2 - I write letters all the time, not just love letters, but letters to people expressing feelings I wish I could say. It's very therapeutic, and even if I don't send them it feels damn good not to keep that shit bottled.
    #4 - Lenny Kravitz is a champ for that scarf. He deserves all the medals.
    #7 - Thank you. If I decide to read Harry Potter at 5 in the morning, what's the big deal.
    #8 - I've taken shots of Malibu, I can't even lie. And it was shit. Would I do it again? Sadly, probably yes haha.

    Really enjoyable post, thanks for this :)

    Z. | J. POTTER

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  17. I can't believe you did #13...thought you were a virgin for sure.

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  18. Loving these pieces of advice!
    Love,
    Svenja

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  19. Definitely writing some letters after this, and not just for that handsome guy that doesn't get my existence.

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  20. Ha ! This is clever. You have a nice sense of humor..

    http://zanedemar.com

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  21. Hilarious! I thoroughly enjoyed this Charly. Happy New Year!

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  22. This is hilarious! All the best for 2015 babe. x

    shannonauroa.blogspot.com.au

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