Lost and Found

Tuesday, 11 November 2014


It's not a new concept that this world is an odd one to find yourself in, I'm well aware.
But for the last few months I've struggled to come to terms with why.
Ever infuriated by what I don't know and don't understand, consumed with a fear of being consumed (?!) I couldn't stand it anymore.
I felt this heavy pelting force in my chest most mornings, missing meetings bleary eyed smelling of immitation smirnoff and regret but with a grin so wide on my face that it was almost hard to believe I was battling a half hearted identity crisis and the mother of all hangovers.
I'd had the best night previous with the most glorious breakfast of Sour Creme and Onion Pringles on the tube home having curled up laughing and content in someones bed who washed me of insecurities.
All fine here, right?

In truth, I was slowly dancing myself into a wrap of creative procrastination, writing heart wrenchingly cringe poems on the back of train tickets and waiters notepads about things I probably only felt devestated by because I was exhausted and a bit confused as to where I should be heading next.
Ignorantly flipping my middle finger like a pubescent teenager at growing up I relished in my new found inner care free.
It just so turned out that care actually was worth a lot more than I was insuring it for.
As well as being a general giant teenage cliche, I was putting all of these strained adult pressures on myself that not even my twenties would be able to battle through and I became temporarily paralysed in a fear of letting myself and people around me down.
It's truly wonderful having successful friends but it's also incredibly terrifying particularly when there are so many of them doing such brilliantly impressive things.
Equally, when their lives look so fantastic you just want to punch anyone that says 'just be happy! just take control!' because 'THAT'S BLOODY EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!!!!!!'
What if I'm not doing enough for the world? What if that dress in Topshop sells out? What if I don't become as successful as everyone else? What if that Snickers bar is the final straw between a size 12 and a size 14?
Relatively, it's all menial and quite laughable when put down on paper. Don't worry, I can see it now.
But for the last two months instead of facing real issues I sort of succumbed to these tiny insignificant intangible ones that I knew I couldn't win or change or answer because bizarrely that's a lot easier.
We're part of a generation where we feel as though we all have to run so hard and fast towards something and a good majority of us have no idea what it is.
We're left hanging from this empty rafter of insecurity and worry that splinters into a horrible dull sensation of being a bit helpless.

Drowning a plate of bacon and pancakes in thick sticky maple syrup over breakfast the other day I caught sight of a real emotion that hadn't been masked and inebriated.
I was lost.
I did this sad god awful little cry that just thinking about makes me want to punch myself for but I genuinely had no idea who I was.
I made a few weepy phone calls, I ate some more overpriced breakfast and I gave myself two weeks to work it out.
Who am I to me and who am I to other people?
What the hell am I doing with my life?
Had I just been listening to too much Taylor Swift?
Gross. Probably.

I agreed to take a step back from some people and a step closer to the ones I'd pushed away, it's incredibly difficult admitting you're wrong or even behaving recklessly but it gave me a strength and a relief that pride was never going to attain.
I've also written myself a managable list of things I want to achieve in the next two weeks and surprisingly I'm already half way through five days in.
Imagine if we did that EVERY fortnight?
Hello, my name's Charly Cox and I've made a lot of mistakes in the last eight weeks.
Hello, my name's Charly Cox and I've also done a lot of really fantastic things that I often let myself forget.

It's okay to be lost and it's okay to flit and wander through paths that sometimes aren't of best fit or of best interest, as long as you know that sooner rather than later you have to allow yourself to find sight of you again.

21 comments:

  1. currently going through the same "lost" feeling'! Not enjoyable, oh life.

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  2. I love your style of writing; it's so raw and honest. It's difficult to share personal things and how we are feeling but you seem to have the perfect balance Charly! Keep doing what you're doing, you may not know it but you're a huge inspiration!

    Lots of love, Hira xx

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  3. As always your piece hits where it hurts the most. Cheers for making me realise how much of a dick I have been lately. Raise your glass to worrying less about the future and more about the present. Whilst I cannot comprehend the pressure you must feel sometimes surrounded by uber successful people, I still relate and sympathise. Enjoy life, love yourself and smash through that list! Xx

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  4. It's normal to have this feeling of being lost. I am currently going through the same thing and trying to take control is easier said than done! I think it's nice to feel like you're not alone in this situation and to admit it is very brave. Keep trooping on! xx

    www.justanotherstyle.blogspot.com

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  5. Feeling emotional and even cried a bit whilst reading this. This could be written by me (except I can't write like you can) I am 19 years old and I feel so lost. It truly is hard to find your own path and it gets exhausting sometimes. I should be doing these "big decisions" but how can I do them when I don't know what I want...
    I am laughing at myself because this all just feels so stupid and silly, but I can't help it that every night before I fall asleep I am thinking about this things..

    I know that I am going to read this post thru many times.

    Thank you for being honest and just generally awesome. xx

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  6. Chin up Charly! You're fab and a wonderful writer, don't forget it :)
    - F - www.elevatorbrain.blogspot.co.uk

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  7. Charly Cox you lovely lady, you always seem to know just what I need to hear (read)

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  8. This post is raw and encouraging as well...these "struggles" sound familiar and always thought it was simply me who was going through this. Appreciate you sharing this post because it is so relatable and some what comforting to know I am not the only one who has these thoughts at the back of my head.
    www.recalcitrantgirl.com

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  9. I'm 19 too (20 tomorrow) and feel more lost than ever. Since I came to the realisation that I'll no longer be a teenager soon I'm having a quarter-life freak out. There's too much pressure on what we should be, how we should act, what we should be doing that it has the reverse effect on most of us, we just end up having no direction to head down at all.

    Wonderful, beautifully written piece once more!

    www.whatcharlottewore.blogspot.co.uk

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  10. Well that was absolutely beautiful. I think it's best to come to terms with the unknown and the fact that most of my questions will be left unanswered (but then again like you said it's a lot easier said than done!). Generally, coming to terms with the unknown is one of the hardest human things to do since we are so inherently scared of it but it's not impossible.

    fromtoasttotoast.blogspot.ca

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  11. Could not relate to this more. I'm currently studying uni abroad and can't seem to find the time to keep up with anything. From current school work and assignments, the prospect of picking classes for next semester, and the stress of keeping in touch with friends and family back home is near impossible. Its so hard to live up to these expectations everyone seems to have in this day in age. Thanks for another post of encouraging words and hope, stylethenatives never fails to impress. Keep doing you <3

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  12. I am currently struggling on what to study as a career in university. I guess that is normal but I feel soooo lost, I mean what if I don't get where i want to get. I guess i am lost, but it is good to know that i'm not alone.

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  13. This is so helpful and amazing goddamn Charly Cox, you are beautiful xxx

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  14. You are such a talented, witty writer and everything you post has so much character, it's ridiculous. You should write a book. (It'd be more deserved than a lot of other recent book deals, let's be honest). As in, you /could/ write a book, and it would be fabulous, and worth the paper. You could literally write a satire based on adolescent sock puppets, and I'd be sold. Much love Charly, you bucket of awesome xx

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  15. a revelation-like feeling here. words are being put down on paper right now, in order not to forget the important stuff this post made me think of. thank you, Charly!

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  16. Loved reading this post!♥

    Hugs, Brittany // Polka and Dots

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  17. But what do you do if that doesn't work? When making lists and closer people and deadlines don't work? What do you do then? What are you meant to do then? What if you have been gone to long to find the sight of yourself because nothing has gone your way in a very long long time and no matter how much your mind and heart tells you to keep going on, the pain triumphs it all and there is just pain and your body seems to be shutting down? What do you do then?

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  18. Not sure if the post was more for girls after reading the comments but I came across it and I really can relate to it. I've felt lost for years now in a way that nobody has really understood me. Believe me I tried discussing with fam although I found that it is something that only I could figure out for myself and that other people may also be in the same boat. A few years later and I now see a more believable direction for my life and how I vision it.

    Anyway enough of me blabbing but I love the post and your engaging style! :)

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