I'm Still Me Because You Were Still You

Friday, 3 October 2014


It's been a year and I'm still here.
A little bruised, a little exhausted but also- still here.
Twelve short months ago I walked back to London Bridge Station with a half smile, a head filled with terrified thoughts and an answer.
I organised a drink with my best friend and we sat in a pub in West London with an overfed dog overlooking the river, I stuttered a few excuses for words and before I knew it, something that had been 'just in my head' for so long was a tangible piece of me hovering over a wooden picnic table.

I now knew I had Bipolar II, whatever that meant, other than being weird and probably someone others would distance themselves from.
It was alien to me that something that was supposed to put an end to all of my questions felt as though it'd put an end to ever feeling good again.
So I wrote about it.
I vomited experiences and thoughts to try and piece them together over my keyboard like a cat who'd successfully hacked up a hair ball and wanted to turn it into yarn.
365,000 people read it.

One year, thirty two boxes of medication (some half finished, some untouched), eighty three emails from strangers, five self diagnosed friends, two parents who now know and countless cold chinese take aways later, it's all becoming a healthy piece easier.
Nobody shut me out or referred to me as crazy.
It's still hard, I still wake up some mornings and ignore it but I'm also now in an incredibly blessed position to walk next to it and treat it as though it's my daughter who needs my undivided care and attention.
I've learnt to embrace it, I'm no longer embarrassed - I am not Bipolar, I have Bipolar, I own it and it doesn't own me.

As winter winds in and I know I'm about to catapult off my high, I am no longer scared of October's and January's, I am ready to feel the ground under my feet as the same earth as July, just with a few more pills to plan.

Thank you to friends, to family and strangers.
I'm still me and that's because you were still you.
We're all a lot stronger than we knew.

To read my conversation about mental health and discovering bipolar click HERE.





30 comments:

  1. This is beautifully written. You come across as such a strong person, who I look up to, you really do inspire me. Thanks for sharing your live with us :)

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  2. I just read this and your initial post and I want to thank you for putting into words what can't be. My mother has the same condition and you describe what I know goes on in her head so perfectly. I myself suffer with anxiety and I think you caught the emotions so eloquently, though I know bipolar itself is much more complex than my own issues. If there were more people as brave as you we could all be so much better educated. I couldn't let this post pass without a comment, although it's probably coming across totally confused. Keep doing what you're doing; I think you're amazing.
    Rebecca Tiffany x

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  3. Gorgeous piece of writing.
    - F - www.elevatorbrain.blogspot.co.uk

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  4. So much love for this wonderful post and you. I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing so much with your readers. You helped me feel more comfortable with sharing my experiences with mental illness and I couldn't thank you enough for that. Please never change you gorgeous girl. x

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  5. This is beautiful, Charly. So much love to you.

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  6. Caitlin O'Farrell3 October 2014 at 21:54

    Charly, you are a wonderful, accomplished woman. Literally an inspiration. x

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  7. I have a lot of questions that are popping into my head. I don't really know where to start. One I guess would be how did you first start looking for medical help (you know, like beyond talking to friends-type help)

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  8. As always, Charly, your honesty and strength is inspiring. I have your response to my email saved in my phone for encouragement on bad days..is that weird or nah? maybe a little? oh well.
    Anywho, thanks for sharing. Much love x
    - Shelby

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  9. I love how this post is written. It takes a lot of courage to write this I'm sure. You left me inspired since I think I'm battling with anxiety and depression. We're gonna be okay. x

    http://thewallflowersecrets.com//

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  10. Charly,I follow your blog since a very long time:I like your style and the way you write things; whenever I read on my Bloglovin' profile that there is a new post in your blog, I grab a cup of tea and I read that post all at once, as if I am having a chat with you. To me, you are so inspiring and talented. And a really beautiful girl too!

    Anyway, I rarely write comments but I need to write something about This post. I am 21 and I struggle with GAD (just to mention the major one) since forever: I have always felt "scared" of living life. I have always felt kind of "stuck" in it. This has led to not-so-good consequences: I quit uni; I lost almost all of my (so called...) friends and I simply don't know where my life is bringing me.
    I mean, I am a joyful girl, I LOVE so many things and I have so many passions and even though sometimes I have said "Ok, I am done, I can't carry on with all this mental pain" I am still here. Alone with my problems but still here. And this is probably because people like US, who struggle everyday with their lives, who sometimes don't even see a sparkle of joy in it, are the ones who love life the most. They just need a little push.
    I know that this comment of mine is long and probably my words are kinda boring, but I want to thank you for having shared your experience: I personally know how hard it is to write about yourself, especially about this kind of stuff. This one has been a Bad, bad week for me and I have felt really hopeless.. but reading this has made me feel like I am not completely alone and that I am not the only one who has this feelings (sadly). And the fact that you are trying to deal with them makes me feel that I have some hope too!
    I just wanted to let you know :)

    with lots of love.

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  11. this is beautifully written you are strong x
    http://rebekahmaryx.blogspot.co.uk/

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  12. This is so beautiful & wonderful.

    x leah symonne x

    www.itsleli.com

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  13. I really like the title of this piece. Someone close to me is currently dealing with depression/anxiety and I often feel like I'm not doing enough to help but this has reassured me slightly. I'm so glad that you have come to accept it the way that you have; as something that you have not something that you are.
    All the best.
    Saadiya x

    www.thatgirlsaadiya.blogspot.com

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  14. I love your honesty, and I love the way you write. I feel like even though most blogs drive on quality pictures (which is also amazing, of course) you have such a great writing style and don't always need the pictures to make an amazing post. I don't know if that makes sense. I just appreciate words, and I appreciate your writing.

    love xxx

    romysfairytale.wordpress.com

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  15. This was so interesting to read and I really think it should be talked about more without the stigma being attached. Your blog is so great Charly. I always look forward to your posts xx

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  16. What an amazing post - and journey, Charly! Thank you for sharing. I hope you´ll stay strong and continue to grow and be you and not defined by this diagnosis.

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  17. You're amazing! To be honest I adore you and your blog is my favourite thing on whole Internet!

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