I'm Still Me Because You Were Still You

It's been a year and I'm still here.
A little bruised, a little exhausted but also- still here.
Twelve short months ago I walked back to London Bridge Station with a half smile, a head filled with terrified thoughts and an answer.
I organised a drink with my best friend and we sat in a pub in West London with an overfed dog overlooking the river, I stuttered a few excuses for words and before I knew it, something that had been 'just in my head' for so long was a tangible piece of me hovering over a wooden picnic table.

I now knew I had Bipolar II, whatever that meant, other than being weird and probably someone others would distance themselves from.
It was alien to me that something that was supposed to put an end to all of my questions felt as though it'd put an end to ever feeling good again.
So I wrote about it.
I vomited experiences and thoughts to try and piece them together over my keyboard like a cat who'd successfully hacked up a hair ball and wanted to turn it into yarn.
365,000 people read it.

One year, thirty two boxes of medication (some half finished, some untouched), eighty three emails from strangers, five self diagnosed friends, two parents who now know and countless cold chinese take aways later, it's all becoming a healthy piece easier.
Nobody shut me out or referred to me as crazy.
It's still hard, I still wake up some mornings and ignore it but I'm also now in an incredibly blessed position to walk next to it and treat it as though it's my daughter who needs my undivided care and attention.
I've learnt to embrace it, I'm no longer embarrassed - I am not Bipolar, I have Bipolar, I own it and it doesn't own me.

As winter winds in and I know I'm about to catapult off my high, I am no longer scared of October's and January's, I am ready to feel the ground under my feet as the same earth as July, just with a few more pills to plan.

Thank you to friends, to family and strangers.
I'm still me and that's because you were still you.
We're all a lot stronger than we knew.

To read my conversation about mental health and discovering bipolar click HERE.