oh my kale

Monday, 22 September 2014

"To juice or not to juice?"
I half heartedly ponder scrolling through my instagram feed.
Ever the cynic and Kinder Bueno for breakfast eater, there wasn't a single ounce of appeal to a handful of blended kale leaves that I could find.
I searched, I mustered, I sneered at my packet of Quavers, nope - nothing.
"I'll leave it to the food hippies and the experts."
Suddenly it wasn't just the health fanatics drinking their vegetables, it was just about anyone who could afford one of these unspeakably expensive cleanses.
As they flooded my social timelines they also filtered their way into the hands of nearly every pretty 20 something on my commute to work.
'Another fad I'm not buying into' I reasoned, 
until I noticed that waiting in the wings observing these flat stomached fashion editors were teenage girls coveting over the pristine eco-packaging to gain instagram likes quicker than a shopping trip to Celine would and to lose weight fast.

All well and good as a middle class health kick, but what if it was just unnecassarily prying into young minds making them think it was a necessity and not a luxury- a social media prop - a gateway into believing all of your meals should be drinkable, is healthy?
And were there REALLY any health benefits other than weeing every 5 minutes?
Obviously, I had to try it.
I got in touch with the lovely people at FRUVEJU Juice to see if they'd be interested in letting me try one of their cleanses for free (one of the best and most reasonably priced online, I still couldn't afford it myself) and the next day 18 juices arrived at my door.
I was scared, I was unprepared and I was in my pants eating from a carton of leftover chinese.
It was going to go well.

I started the following day and winced at every bottle I opened expecting them all to taste like WholeFoods bin juice, but was desperately surprised when my favourite one was a shade of Kermit the Frog green.
Still denying that Gwyneth Paltrow was lurking somewhere in my second skin, I moaned and contemplated eating my own feet by the time it was lunch.
It got easier and by 11pm I was sat in a bar with friends sipping on a glass of water whilst they finished their 3rd bottle of wine.
Then, something terrible happened.
Truly truly terrible.
I had become so miserable from being hungry that I caved into a glass of wine thinking I deserved it.
One glass lead me to the cheapest drunk I've ever experienced and in turn had to eat an entire Pizza Express order at 3am and Pizza Express aren't even OPEN at that time.
I was a failure.
But there was always day two.
The next two days I managed to stay clean and drink my 6 juices and nothing else, but working 10 hour days and having a healthy social life made it miserable.
These juices would be great if I didn't have to get out of bed for three days.
It really was a new low, I hated everyone around me and contemplated killing just about anyone that tried to cut me up on my commute.
The only good thing that came from starvation was the sparkly glint in other women's eyes on the train at 7:30am who would tilt their pond muck at mine in an early morning cheers.
It was the kind of satisfaction I always dreamt of when the popular girls at school didn't know my name.

In three days, despite the first day slip up, I lost 7lbs and it became terrifyingly easy to see why so many people were using this as a quick weight loss trick.
My stomach was as flat as a pancake, I felt like Karlie Kloss with thighs.
Well, Karlie Kloss with thighs and a chicken nugget problem.

But in all seriousness, these things are to be done carefully.
You don't need to spend £400 for an instagram opportunity when you could just be watching what you put in your body.
Stop drinking Coke and you'll probably notice just as much of a difference in your skin.
Oh my kale, moderation is key.


  1. THANK YOU!!!! There's so many silly faddy diets and I will admit I've fell victim to them all over time, but am I thin?? It drives me crazy to see people failing to understand the concept of moderation and therefore never allowing themselves a grain of refined sugar. Great post and it's also interesting that you picked up on the commodity fetishism of some of these overpriced 'fashionable' diets.

  2. I love your writing style! And it also helps that you always make me a little less guilty about the bottle of wine I'm usually drinking whilst I read...

  3. To be honest, I would try such a "diet", maybe just for the fun of it or maybe because I truly want to lose weight (nor sure which one). It's a big price to pay to lose something. It's kind of ironic if you think about it.
    I think you're right about being careful about what you put into you're body, but as most of things, this "method" of losing weight takes time and effort and most people are not strong enough (including myself) to keep track of want they eat.
    What I wonder: Do you put the weight back on after ending this juice diet or not? Is your metabolism ruined? Are there any "side effects" to this kind of diets?


  4. thank you for this! I completely agree with you.. I don't get how people seem to think losing weight is some magical thing that will only happen if it involves some absurd method. watch what you eat and drink, get a little exercise and boom, that's it. you can practically eat everything in moderation and still lose weight - but I think that's what most people struggle with.. it's never one piece of chocolate or just two slices of pizza but always the whole damn thing.

    it's ridiculous how many people buy into these myths about juice cleansing or some other silly diet that's 'in' right now. I would try such a thing only for fun to see how it would affect me - like that little experiment you did with those juices.

    also, I love how you write! (needs to be said.)

  5. Oh my Charly - you are so right. You can´t buy your health from companies, because in the end it´s YOU who has to change things! I´d rather cook every day soup then pay 400 bucks for juices and I bet it would work just as good! But thank you for trying this out for us, really appreciate it!

  6. Oh gosh - I was laughing out loud all the way through this post! Thankyou so much for such a fresh and hilarious take on these ridiculous fad diets. You are my hero (inclusive of your chicken nugget problem). X

  7. I really enjoyed this post! I'm so fed up with fad diets tbh. I have to admit I wanted to give into a juice detox, but it's not even worth it. I wish people understood that you can just eat healthy and like sometimes eat whatever you want! No need to go crazy on fad diets.


  8. Haha I would never be able to do this, I am the definition of hangry. I don't see how people think it's a good idea to be on a liquid diet (even if it's nutritional.) As you said though, it's all about the end result. What most don't realize is that as soon as they start eating actual food they'll just gain the weight right back.

    Great post, always enjoy the tone of your writing! xo

  9. Oh Charly, you are absolutely brilliant! I always get such a giggle out of your posts- and I am absolutely in luuuuurve with your writing and how you express yourself. You are so so right. On every point.

    Normally getting drunk quickly (and cheaply) is such a score. But alas, not ideal with a juice cleanse. I'd never considered one- but I'm glad you've stopped me in my tracks before I did.

    Biiig love x

  10. You should check out Freelee the banana girls raw till four lifestyle.

  11. Really interesting to her your point of view once again Charly! Amazingly written
    -F- www.elevatorbrain.blogspot.co.uk

  12. "To juice or not to juice?" That basically resumes my current thoughts about juicing. I enjoyed reading your opinion about it, it is a nice thing to try out but for cheaper, anyone could just watch what they eat (which is the hard part). Lovely to read your thoughts and experience about this Charly.

    Andrea //

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  14. I cannot get my head round juice cleanses. Yes, maybe a healthy juice is a good alternative to that chocolate bar (or three) I may have snacked on, but replacing lunch and dinner with them, no thanks. Those bottles are pretty attractive though, no wonder they garner so many instagram like

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