Wednesday, 13 November 2013

It's been a while since I blogged here, so I thought I owed you something interesting.
Let's talk about sex. Particularly because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Why? What do I think about it? Why do I think about it? What is it? Searching for breath, my body writhing and struggling in a sea of fluster, my head sits above this murky unspoken water in my life that is sex. I have friends that talk about it all the time actually, girls that mercilessly list off erotic tales between them and their lovers, both devastatingly descriptive and grotesque, yet mortifyingly amusing and somewhat enviably innocent. How can something be so many things, all at once and not at all?

My dad leant across the dinner table in a restaurant some months ago and bellowed a question that made my insides eat themselves and regurgitate organs whilst simultaneously flood with heavy lead butterflies with razors for wings. "Are you a virgin?" Oh bloody hell. What's wrong with "What did you fancy for desert?" I'd wished a thousand things had flown from his mouth, perhaps now would be an appropriate time to discuss the economic reform or the Syrian crisis, maybe the earlier Aston Villa score could tantalise him more so. But no, nothing would satisfy his inquisitive appetite adequately, an answer was needed. I shuffled with my cutlery and sang into my wine glass a riddle of what could have been a yes or a no, but the answer lay in my scarlet cheeks and defensively high tone. Why was it all so embarrassing?
Obviously it's my father, we were dabbling in a universal no-go area but it struck me that irrespective who had done the asking, the question would still sit awkwardly within my head, an answer so hot and metallic in my mouth you may as well have put me in front of "2 Girls 1 Cup" and asked for a 1000 word essay on the main themes and the protagonists developing motives.
I'm 18 years old, not a virgin, but I still have all the same questions.

Sometimes I lie wide awake at night cringing at my awkward unsure self, clawing at how convinced I was that the only way to open this huge looming intangible lock of love and exclusivity is with sex. As though in my true, Bridget Jones debut, this one act, that I am so unbearably inexperienced at, will inexplicably deluge the way I look, my horrendous sense of humour and comprehensive thighs, casting the participant into a Herculean spell that I am just about as bloody perfect as it gets, "Wife Material" stapled on my forehead. Uninformed as I was, I took no surprise when I realised how cheap it suddenly makes you in the view of others, that suddenly any appeal you did once have has fled with no pants on. Why is that? Why is what potentially is the most romantic offering you could possibly place into some poor clueless adolescent boys hands seen as such quick, easy filth? Maybe I didn't do it right. I realise now, all too late, that really, this incredibly naive ideology that you open love with sex is actually so far in reverse I may as well have read the book from right to left instead. (The book is a metaphor for something, I haven't actually been reading books on whether or not I should be sleeping with more people. Yet.)

What happens if I were to see a guy in a bar and decide I wanted to have sex with him? Does that make me a bad person? I wouldn't know, I've never done that. But what if I did? Have I been so heavily indoctrinated by romantic comedies and shitty series' that I walk punch drunk with what sex should be and should mean? I know what I want it to mean, I know the ideals- which, all the more ironically totally tamper with what the sexual experiences I've had in the past, throwing all moral romanticisms out the window along with my clothes. But can it be a casual physical act?
I know I once treated it in that sense, almost accidentally, but why not anymore?
Is there this fun-absorbing element that festers in my brain telling me it's wrong, hindering a dolphin-esque fabulous future, or am I just too morally up my own arse to sleep around? Which suddenly begs the question, am I too afraid? Too afraid of what? What people might think? What they might think? What a total shambles it could all fall to? I don't even know! 

Is it because I haven't fallen in love with the right person? Am I living in a hopeless and unattainable fairytale stance? There are so many opinions and persuasions thrown around about sex that it makes it almost impossible for me to form a solid confident opinion on it, which is probably why I have such an unhealthy relationship with it. If I had been left sober of others ideas and social/moral conformities would I be clearer? I write this now to a 30 year old me who has a clue: Hey buddy, how you doing? Embarrassed yet? Yeah me too, even now! Sorry I ever articulated these thoughts, I'm sure they're all bullshit now. I sound like one of those cliche educational films they show at school? Yeah I can see that, I extend my apology. What's that? This is all really ironic because I'm now a porn star? No way!!!! Oh.. you got me, glad to see my dry sense of humour hasn't cleared.


  1. And finally someone writes something raw and honest that doesn't make me hate my body or myself but actually makes me feel completely normal, insane haha. I loved it.

    Thanks for sharing Charly.x

  2. I don't think i have ever read something so honest and personal about a topic such as this. I read it and hear my thoughts and that's really nice for a change.
    Well done Charly you are actually brilliant :D xx

  3. I love the honesty of this. It somehow allows me to shed off my own shame, so, thank you for that.

  4. when i read this, i heard a bit of myself in there. i'm not the most experienced gal.. and even at 22, i hear some of my friends listing off their conquests and experiences (in true SATC style)..while i'm sat thinking, is this what i should be doing too? nothing's bloody simple is it.. and i don't think that'll change even as we get older.

    great thoughtful piece.

  5. Not only is this something so honest, that I am sure everyone can relate to, but it is also written extremely well. Your writing honed in on the exact underlying emotions that almost every girl feels. Good job!

  6. Hey You :)

    Yet again an honest post that I really loved reading although I probably am one of those friends with the wild stories.
    But tragically enough I wish I wasn't. That however doesn't mean I didn't enjoy all the sex I have had in my life (wow that sounds like I have slept with hundreds of people :D) but I somewhat wish I had waited a bit longer till I really knew what I wanted sex to be like.
    Just about a year ago I had the first boyfriend that I truly loved, it didn't last long because I had to go back home but for the view months it lasted I wished that I had waited for him to be the first.
    Sex with him didn't just mean fun it was so much more. It gave me this feeling of belonging and being loved to an extend where it got almost to much. I just wished that my first time could have been like that, feeling like you are someones one and only like them touching you could break you apart, which I know sounds incredibly cheesy but that's how it felt.
    I am not saying that going into a bar and deciding to have sex with a guy makes you a bad person but you might want to keep that to yourself. At least that is what I have learned.
    And to be honest Charly I don't think you are the only person that doesn't know what to think about sex or isn't really sure about how it works best for them. I even think people who have had lots of sex might have less idea about it then you do.
    This is something you have to do in your own time and if that means still being a virgin at 24 then so be it. How is that relevant? I think that still is a lot more honest then just doing it because everyone else does it.
    It's a great thing and it has a lot to do with trust but sex is also something that you have to feel comfortable with otherwise it will not be great at all. Wether that ease comes from knowing exactly what you want it to be or from being in love with someone that you want to give this too, is a different story.

    Wow this just got a lot longer then I thought it would :)
    And it has inspired me enough to write about it as well, from a completely different point of view as I don't really know how to look at it from your angle anymore. But I don't think it sex is something we should hide away or be ashamed of as long as we are honest about it.

    I admire your courage for writing about this the way you did.

  7. Really enjoyed reading this post Charly. Something very interesting and frankly something people would like to write about themselves but wouldn't have the guts too. It was all truth and I highly enjoyed laughing and genuinely thinking through out it. I'm sure most girls or even boys can relate to this blog post. Good job.

    Ps. You're a fantastic writer and I think you would do well on a story. I would definitely read it anyhow.

    Chloe X

  8. This is such a lovely, honest and genuine post I feel like I can relate 100%!! If I was going to write on this topic I would pretty much say the same things/points that you have too. I have to say, I'm not sure how I feel about the label 'wife material' I know it's meant as a compliment but at the same time it irks me as to how guys use it/perceive it... Maybe it's just the guys I've been hanging around with lol but from them I gather that it's used for a girl they could get serious with but aren't because they still want to 'mess around' first so she is 'wife material' for when 'they're ready to settle' And then I guess that brings on the whole topic of the 'back-pocket girl' but that's a whole other debate haha.
    I also love the idea of thinking about whether or not if we did not have all these social norms/ideas/standards flying around telling us what sex should and should not be, how we would naturally perceive it. It's an interesting way to look at it and would be great to see how sex is perceived in other societies...But then I gguess they would have their own cultural views on it too. Sometimes I wonder if I place too much importance/value on it to just be so reckless with it or if everyone has just forgotten actually how it's more than just a physical act... That's just my opinion though and I guess it literally is just down to personal preference as there will be advocates for either side. Hmm, really interesting post Charly! :)
    Saadiya x

  9. wow, your writing is amazing :)

  10. Not cliche at all! So incredibly fantastic! Finally someone is writing something I can finally relate too, I love it.

  11. Replies
    1. Sadly you are ridiculous!

    2. Charly some people don't deserve your honest and amazing writing skills - keep it up and the comment above shows that they are sexless! ha

  12. `Sex is natural, sex is good, not everbody does it, but everybody should`- George Michael sang that ages ago, and it is still true! Be it a plain physical act, full of lust, fun and satisfaction, or be it as a part of your love-relationship, a very important and emotional experience, hopefully also full of lust, fun and satisfaction.
    I think the most important about having sex is, to be sure of what it means to both of the involved. You want to have sex out of lust? OK, enjoy it. You want it to share your love? Even better! Go ahead and enjoy it.
    But you MUST be aware of your reasons and your partners reason, and they should be the same!
    But if you dont want to have sex, dont do it!!! If you want to use it to attach someone to you, dont do it!!! And forgett about all those girls and boys talking about their brilliant sex experiences all of the time, they either show off or are not sure if they did the right thing their selfs.
    Dont compare your sexlife to others, it`s not a competition! Try to find out what makes you want to have sex and who you want to have sex with, check your reasons, check the reasons of the boy/girl you`d like to have sex with and if you are on same levells, get a condom and start having fun!

  13. Interesting the way you manage to present this topic! I feel you on this. I have had two relationships, but have now find myself single for some months. While some of my friends see no harm in sleeping around, some of my other friends see much in it. It's very hard to formulate an opinion because everyone's views are so controversial. Very well written post indeed, inspiring!

  14. I just loved reading this Charly.
    And I also love your Tumblr.
    Unbelievable that you're only 18 years old.
    Please go on with your work, I'd love to read more.
    Yep, I said the word 'love' too many times, but hey long hair don't care :)

  15. This is beautiful so truthful and raw! I could really relate to it! Thank you :) x

  16. Charly,
    You literally have been blessed with great writing. I truly couldn't contain my laughter while reading this and couldn't believe how relatable this was. I hope one day that I get to see you writing articles in high magazines such as Vogue because your tremendous talent shouldn't be not noticed. Bravo!!!!!

  17. It is insane how much of a talent you have. The fact that I spend my whole day behind every possible electronic device (just to lie to myself that I wasn't using them all day long) to read almost every post amazes me. The way you write engages people (r maybe just me, I don't care) and it makes me think at loud about things that I never let myself think about. I ma sure you already know (or eventually found out) that you are remarkable and I hope you don't stop using this talent of yours.

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  19. This post is so relatable. I am so glad I am not the only one to feel like this! :) x



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